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10 Steps to a Healthy Relationship

I’ve always appreciated the wisdom coming from Eckhart Tolle… the intelligent, compassionate humor factor is what strikes me in his many talks.  In my own experiences of communicating with the God/Universe energy, I have delighted in the fact that the communication that comes through expresses truth in such a light-hearted playful way that’ll make you giggle. Its truth that tingles your body generating great feelings of warmth – thats when you know you really captured a gem of wisdom.

hand holdingI’ve have spoken with people regarding their relationships on various topics, but it always comes back to the core of what drives people into relationships.  I’ve had a number of relationships in my past, but it was one in particular that carried on for a few years, during my most critical time of learning about myself and connecting to spirit.  This relationship was so extremely painful so often, that I literally had numerous horrific nightmares, some of which I woke with new patches of gray hair!  No joke!  Silver streaks appeared in my hair after some of those nightmares!  I still don’t know how that was even possible, maybe I didn’t see the silver streaks before? Maybe somehow they grew out slowly without me noticing?  Eh, I don’t really know.

In any case it was only after I ended the relationship that I began to learn from it.  Due to my introspective self-journeys I had already been on, I had made it a habit to take every life experience and use it as a means of knowing my Self. This is contrary to what most of us do with our life experiences isn’t it?  It is typical for us to use them to form judgments and behavioral patterns, point fingers, make blame, make enemies or make friends.  But what happens when you perceive the Universe around you as a trick mirror of sorts – always reflecting back to you information about Who You Really Are (spirit) and also just who you have been acting like (ego).

As I began to realize all the wrong I had done in this relationship, I cemented new beliefs and perceptions that would ultimately aid me in the future in finding my lovely wife of 10 years, who I spend 95% of my time without any fights or agitations or energy stealing.  Sure we have our little *rawr* moments, but we both know the truth of such moments and as such quickly correct the energy and return to the balanced state.

The lessons I learned can be summed up 10 steps to a healthy relationship:

  1. You never own another person, but it is often the very nature of marriage that enables an “ownership” energy in the relationship
  2. You have no right to tell another what to do or how to be
  3. Be yourself and be free! It is common for one partner to conform to what the other partner expects of them.  This is often the effect of marriage in our society.  Do NOT sacrifice yourself and your own personality/beliefs/perspectives to suit your partner’s!!!
  4. What you think is Love, is often just an attachment.  We often attach ourselves to things that provide us energy.  But lookout, should the energy stop flowing down that attachment, the games of Ego ensue (aggression, poor-me/sympathy, defensive, aloof) that are designed to do one thing alone: steal that energy since it is not given freely
  5. What you truly Love, you set free.  A good measure to find out if your Love is an attachment or true is to gauge whether or not you could set your partner free in the event they feel a need to experience the love of another person, or even if they just need to experience another part of life not including you.  If you truly Loved them, it wouldn’t be all about your pain of loss, as the Love you have for them overrides your own Ego pain and you WANT them to do what they need in life.
  6. Replace attachments with connections.  Attachments demand energy.  Connections are compassionate, and often just there to give energy, but as their very nature often return energy as well, if not directly by other means as well.  Connections are the healthy version of Attachments.  As we assess our attachments, many of us have a strong resistance to letting go of our attachments.  But if we understand that they are bad for us and the other person/idea/thing, and that what we REALLY want is a connection, we’ll be able to convert our attachments to the more balanced, healthy state of a connection.
  7. Recognize when you are low on energy and when you might be using Ego aggression, sympathy, defensiveness, or aloofness to steal energy from your partner.  This will help you to take responsibility whenever you act out and prevent damaged emotions. Handle your low energy with consciousness and you’ll find recovery is far more swift, and those around you will send you energy naturally when you are not demanding it.
  8. Recognize when your partner is low on energy and is acting out as a result. Do not re-act to their Ego energy-stealing attempts. Know that its not about whatever they are saying or however they are acting, its about the fact that they became low on energy and don’t know how to fix it.  They need energy.  Give it to them willingly.  This will often result in a reverse of their behavior.  When all is calm encourage them (not demand or push) to understand everything on this article.
  9. Don’t be afraid of change.  It is not entirely uncommon for one person in the relationship to change so much that the relationship no longer makes sense.  I look at it as vibrational frequency. When you first came together, you had a symbiotic vibration.  But both of you have changed over time, is that vibration still matching? You will both be happier to have let go of a relationship that did not vibrationally match anymore.  If you still have strong attachments, then it will be very painful, but you’ll survive.  Just don’t let yourself stay in a relationship that no longer resonates for fear of change or for practical conveniences.  Lying on your death bed many years from now you’ll wonder why you wasted all those years, why you let fear keep you locked up in stasis.
  10. If you feel the relationship is not too far gone, work on GROWING TOGETHER! Read books that help you to understand your self together, have discussions about all the above topics, learn everything you can TOGETHER so that you begin to build a common ground of understanding. When both partners are more conscious of them selves and understand that they have no right to tell the other what to do or how to be, you’ll find the result is a far more endearing and stable relationship with a beautiful Love connection!


Struggling with anything above?  Have a different opinion?  Comment below!  Or use the Q&A feature to start a more specific discussion regarding your own relationship and how you might apply the above to it.  I’m happy to respond!


Author: Darryl

Imagine a reality without any limiting economy. Imagine a humanity whose only goal and focus is the experience and discovery of life. Imagine a reality where people no longer have the need for the domineering oppressors, the greed-bound haves and the struggling have-nots. It may seem far fetched, or even impossible, but we say such things until one daring soul reaches beyond and seizes the vision. My life is dedicated to the creation of this. To whatever degree I achieve, it is a life worth living.

3 Replies to “10 Steps to a Healthy Relationship”

  1. Lessons #1 and #5 particularly resonate with me.

    After I began experimenting with open & honest relationships (over a year ago), I can’t even react with jealousy because jealousy is rooted in the consciousness of scarcity, and I simply don’t resonate at that level anymore. I think of sharing love in terms of abundance, not scarcity.

    The principle of Oneness says that we’re all part of the same whole. When two parts of that whole come together in love, it enhances the other parts. It doesn’t diminish them. If you’re feeling jealous, then you’re automatically out of alignment with Oneness, which means you’re headed away from positive growth.

    Great post!

    1. Oh man jealousy… talk about pouring your energy into someone! Anyone whom has experienced extreme jealousy will recognize the extreme drain on their systems… tired, weak, even sickness due to lack of energy to keep up the immune system. It only feeds the other person, and if they are unconscious, they will learn that it is a great way to acquire energy, which results in more behavior in an attempt to -cause- jealousy. In fact, often times if you are NOT jealous when “they” think you should be, its an insult and says to them that you must not care enough. Its a crazy game that runs rampant in our society. A wild experience to have, but one that I’m more than happy to leave behind 🙂 Thanks Rod!

  2. Two is the big one for me. It has taken me some time to learn this lesson. In my desire for the ideal partner, I end up taking people and just using too much of my influence to change them into how I want them to be. When you change people too much, they end resenting you even if there is an attachment. I changed a person I dated from druggie unemployed loser into a more normal college student. It sounds like an improvement but in the end he hated that I had changed him. Also, I was only able to change things on the surface, eventually the essence of his character lead him back to where he was before. I think you have to let the flower grow and either love it and tolerate the differences, or just leave it.

    The problem with changing people like that is that it eventually leads to inequity in the relationship. When you steer another person’s life, you rob them of that agency and they become more of your child to look after than a partner that you love and respect on equal footing.

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